RUN REPORTS

 

Individual run reports were discontinued at the end of 2010. Newsletters published since then can be accessed from the run list page.

Run no 1581                                        Norris Bridge                                       27 Dec 2009

 

Well it’s over. Not only Christmas, but the Christmas hang-over run, and now, suitably stimulated by this world shattering event, yours truly is trying to write a convincing run report, one worthy of the occasion, I mean.

 

I find this difficult on several counts, like

1        I could not keep up with the FRBs and then lost the trail so found my own way back to base early(!), having missed all the fun (ie the mulled wine and lemon drizzle cake, which those who enjoyed them would not stop raving about).

2        Worse, there was no RA to rabbit on about (well anything or nothing really, you know what I mean).

3        My co collaborator (=scribe) was not collaborating.

 

However the show must go on etc so.......

 

The trail was set by SCHOONER, with a bit of help from the hare apparent, HAAGEN DASH, and the hare non apparent YORKIE, whose heavy burden now includes moving the comment “Rhubarb” to the right place on the tick sheet. He bears this additional duty without a murmur, what a player.

 

The event was graced by, in tick sheet order (a word not normally associated with hashing)

HIPPO, HAAGEN DASH, DICKHEAD, ‘ER INDOORS, HOBBLE, FLYING DOCTOR,FAIRY SNOW, Mrs HANGING ABOUT, HANGING ABOUT, BIDET who didn’t (hang about), PRIMATE (endlessly hanging about, as explained above), VECRO(M) and Robert, NETTLES, MOUNTAIN RESCUE, PETAL, SILVIER FOX, YORKIE, Mrs YORKIE FULL FRONTAL, SMASH!, together with Visitors SPECKY, SPOTTED DICK, and assorted Fryatts (sorry).

 

Consequently, Down Downs were deserved, by, but not inflicted on:

HIPPO, HAAGEN DASH, DICKHEAD, ‘ER INDOORS, HOBBLE, FLYING DOCTOR,FAIRY SNOW, Mrs HANGING ABOUT, HANGING ABOUT, BIDET PRIMATE, VECRO(M) and Robert, NETTLES, MOUNTAIN RESCUE, PETAL, SILVIER FOX, YORKIE, Mrs YORKIE FULL FRONTAL, SMASH!, together with Visitors SPECKY, SPOTTED DICK, and assorted Fryatts.

 

The real sinners, perhaps to be suitably chastised later, were

COMMERCIAL WHALE, ALICE and KILLER GENE, all of whom found time to come to the ON_INN, but not to the actual run. Do I hear cries of “Shame”?

 

The ON_INN was The Prince Arthur in Fleet, which HIPPO found first time in spite of my directions..(thinks, must do better). The prices of beer and food in this weatherproof pub were such as to encourage another visit?

 

So you can see that there is not enough information to produce a run report, so regrettably, you’ll have to go without one.

 

 

ON ON                                                                                                                         PRIMATE

 

 

Run no 1582                                Somewhere in England                               3 Jan 2010

 

      Best run of 2010

 

For reasons of state security, or perhaps health and safety, I am not allowed to disclose the venue for this, NH4's first run of 2010. Surprisingly, it was not in the ancient county of Southampton, but somewhere in S*****. We seemed to have got away with it, because none of  the locals turned up. However, one hasher arrived from the frozen North in the shape of Wally from Berks.. [It was frozen in all directions]. SEX SLAVE welcomed Wally with open arms, actually closed fists, in the most animated manner yet seen from him. However, I digress.....

 

The chosen car park proved to be much too small to accommodate all the pack's cars (not to mention the odd dog walker who cheekily descended there, at one point one asked  Alan to move his car, which he did, by which time she had found somewhere else. I directed two cars to rather obscure corners of said car park, thereby doing my good deed for this year and covering next year as well, but extremely late latecomers had to park on the snow covered verge.

 

The trail led out of the car park, parallel to the road and was followed initially by the entire pack with the exception of Wally, presumably trying to avoid another attack from SEX SLAVE. Then out of the wooded area onto the heath, criss-crossed by snowy paths. Some blobs of flour could be discerned amid the snow, and the pack stayed together pretty well (short cut advised for yours truly). Part of the trail was defended by a dog that jumped up at all hashers regardless of shouts of “Down Down” from its owner. Both dog and hounds realised that she didn't mean it.

 

Then a regroup just over a bridge which some hounds declined to cross due to a bar unseen by most of us (imaginary as in the term bar service).

 

Back into a wooded area, we pressed on swiftly (well it was cold) and arrived at another regroup by a road, where the pack turned right, and then left, crossing the road. MOUNTAIN RESCUE was taking rearguard action at this point, but cunningly led the vanguard after a strategically placed check. The trail circumnavigated (good word that) a big field to appear back at the road, where I awaited (another advised short cut, refused by FRUITN'NUT, cos too tired). A short walk led back over the railway, past(!) the Jolly Farmer to a regroup in their car park, overseen by a tethered horse.

 

Then into some more woods, emerging in a while back at the start, where the Hares gave all what wanted a very welcome cockle warming whisky mack. Not sure why they did this, as the run wasn't that bad. Sad to say, the RA failed to maintain the standard, providing COLD BEER for down downs to:

 

HARES: OLD THUMPER and JGG for an excellent run

CHARMAINE CHARDONNAY,   drunken amour

SPOTTED DICK, overheard saying “Be careful, Darling” a word we’d never thought he knew (he claimed he'd forgotten her name)..possibly SILENT P

WET BUSH, hash handle conferred with due ceremony on Mrs YORKIE, for hiding behind one for some reason.

FULL FRONTAL and BUSHWACKER, for crimes forgotten (by me) but not forgiven

SEX SLAVE (= hash scapegoat) for inadequate parking space, and inviting Wally.

HORN, hashy birthday

 

The pack then repaired to The Windmill for repairs, and a raffle, which was so badly conducted by SEX SLAVE on his own that yours truly did not win anything. I shall be writing to my MP.....

 

ON ON                                                                                                                                   PRIMATE

 

 

Run no 1584                         The Selborne Arms Car Park                          17 Jan 2010

 

Get a Grip!

 

 

The Hare, SEIS MATTERS alleged that it was a short run, welcome news since most of the pack hadn’t run this year, and you could hear the joints creaking at times.

 

It was a beautiful day with sun so strong that Toby was wearing sun cream. The large turnout was eager to get underway and, after a spirited skating demonstration in the car park by HORN and FRUIT AND NUT we set off up a long, gradual incline. Once we reached the Selbourne snow line we ran into a wolf like creature dragging behind it an exhausted and wrecked HAAGEN DASH. Putting this horrific sight behind us we continued through the snow and mud along the bottom of the hangar. Over a stile, across a field and back into town, giving the impression that the run really was short but No, we crossed the road and made off into a very damp meadow. SILVIER FOX missed the check (well marked in sawdust coloured sawdust) and visited the church whilst the pack splashed up hill, eventually re-crossing the road and meeting the knitting circle (well directed by deputy Hare JANET+JOHN). The groups separated, the knitters retracing their steps while the FRB’s (and the rest) started up hill again, taking the hangar in the rear (well side, then)

 

During the run, several holiday stories emerged. PETAL had hurt her back while “putting on the socks” (yeah, yeah), CENTRE OF ATTRACTION had been berated by her neighbours while sunbathing au naturel, because she was making too much noise (!) and SUGAR PLUM FAIRY proudly announced that he had been reborn because all our cells are replaced every five years. Someone must have buggered up his DNA blueprint along the way.

 

All in all the run was fairly uneventful and very varied and interesting, with lots of shiggy, snow and several unexpected rivers (Probably snow melting off the Alps?). It was noticeable that the pack kept close throughout the run, possibly because of the cold and because the wolf still appeared from time to time. The main problem was ice, which ensured that for every three steps forward you went backwards one, thus leaving the impression that it was a very long run.

 

The hare laid on an unexpected treat at the end, down the famous Selbourne slalom. The hangar zig zag was covered in ice and snow. All went well until a sudden bump which caused snow to fall from trees, cows to look upwards in panic and small children to grab for their mothers. You guessed it. Man mountain JOLLY GREEN GIANT had been felled by a combination of Nick, snow and pathetic balance. Thankfully he was OK and, after filling in the dent with a few shovelfuls of earth all was well.

The final last few hundred yards were uneventful. Down downs were awarded to:

Hares SEIS MATTERS, JANET+JOHN, for a Hairy trail

Toby, first run, supported by LITTLE PRICK, with NO ENTRY taking the punishment.

NO ENTRY, for being disguised as a farmer.

Then a convoluted explanation finishing with Broke Back MOUNTAIN RESCUE

SILVIER FOX, blind man’s bluff award for missing the check.

The tumbling tosser award went to JOLLY GREEN GIANT, who, not fancying ice and snow, was careful to land on Nick, who made an excellent cushion.

WET BUSH and EASY RIDER, for gullibility

 

 

ON ON                                                                                               EVEREADY + PRIMATE

 

 

 

Run no 1585                                        The Windmill, Four Marks                                            24 Jan 2010

 

Four Marks, out of ?

 

 

It was a sunny and cold day with a very good turnout. BIDET had with him his new female friend Suha; a bit of a dog but, hey have you seen BIDET lately. Anyway, the ON was along the road so, after breathing in copious amounts of petrol fumes we headed off into the Four Marks hinterland.

 

After a few checks, we came upon the Fat Controller of Bedstead and Four Poster station, Watercress line who appeared totally shocked by these mad hashers running along the length of his tunnel (!). ON we went until we came out almost back to where we had started, and another lungful of smoke.

 

About this time, OLD THUMPER, in response to a statement about how cold it was explained that Four Marks is at a high altitude and has its own microclimate (Something to do with its own microbrewery?). We just smiled. This is the recommended response to the terminally bewildered. ON we went, through the back alleys of Four Marks. Avoiding the used needles and prone junkies we passed C CHARDONNAY who was leaning against a fence, fixing all the male hashers with those bed bath eyes of hers.

 

Most of the rest of the run was through lots of fields (and I mean lots). The odd hedge or stile was a blessed relief, except for WET BUSH who had great difficulty in getting over the latter because of her limited stature. The fields finally gave way to a wood, within which we ran around in circles and a plant centre, where there was no café, much to the disgust of some of the pack

 

This run was characterised by the extreme silence from the front runners. A favourable wind, deep understanding of the syntax and lexicon of the English language and an ability to understand discreet hand signals at 400 yds might just have give a clue to the ON, but only to the gifted of education and clear eyesight. Needless to say, most of the hash was totally confused at times.

 

There was some concern that PRIMATE had got lost but, fortunately his carer for the day, SCRIBETTE had found him and led him home with the promise of Guinness.

 

Down Downs were awarded to

 the hares, DICKHEAD and KERB CRAWLER for a run of inestimable mediocrity,

BIDET for 200 runs,

HANGING BOUT for incorrect attire

C CHARDONNAY for excuses and incorrect attire (not expectingto be running!!)

WET BUSH (don’t know what for)

PETAL for mistaking a butternut squash for the wrong pair of nuts

SILVIER FOX for not calling and for indulging in self promotion with air brushed pictures and claims to be forever rising.

 

ON ON                                                                                                                       EVERREADY

 

 

 

Run 1588                        The Mytchet Magical Mystery Tour                  7th February 2010

 

We knew trouble was coming when the hare, MOUNTAIN RESCUE started making early excuses about flour mysteriously disappearing on the run. The doom laden atmosphere was further exacerbated by FRUIT and NUT who had fallen down a manhole in the night (!). Then, to cap it all, NO ENTRY appeared with a growth on his back which, prior to the run been issuing a brown substance. Fortunately, the growth seemed to have settled down, although it will certainly continue to increase in size.

 

Off we went into the mysterious world of Mytchet. SCHOONER at once repeated his disgraceful behaviour of last week with another dog but HAGEN DASH managed to pull him away. The next mile or so was like something from a horror film with lost people desperately trying to find their way out of menacing woods and finding no guidance. At last, a rudimentary bridge appeared in the Mytchet Keys and we were off again. Following the right bank of the canal (the left bank is always too exciting and left wing for many hashers) we ended up on a hill overlooking the fair city of Farnborough. Whilst enjoying the wonderful view of Queensmead, the Council Recycling Centre and the Clockhouse roundabout, VELCRO had a sudden visitation and clapped two pink appendages to her ears, presumably to get in contact with a passing UFO.

 

Another series of confusing hills, woods and back checks ensued until many hashers were wondering what planet they were on. PRIMATE’s brother (the one who can actually use a SATNAV, was keeping up at this point).The confusion didn’t stop FUKAWE and CLOGS maintaining a long running chat that would have done the knitting circle proud. Every so often, VELCRO’s small, light haired dog, UKE caused havoc by running between people’s legs but a few kicks and it was soon under control.

 

At last we were back at the ON IN. It transpired that Potters did chips (about a level 7 on the internationally recognised DH3 Chip Calibration Register) and meals, although there was general confusion over table numbers. Down Downs were awarded to:

 

MOUNTAIN RESCUE for a right riveting hash, in the classical hash tradition.

 

HOBBLE and KERB CRAWLER for delicate footwork and going on about the history of Potters. The suggestion that it was a Potted History earned PRIMATE a Down Down.

 

CLOGS, PETAL and FLYING DOCTOR for running off with HAGEN DASH into a hedge and corrupting him.

 

EVER READY for mistaking a lager ( UGH) can for flour.

 

LUKE for taking the long run and explaining that he didn’t usually run because his mother is too slow.

 

A hashy birthday for FIREWORK

 

 

EVER READY                                                                                    PRIMATE in absentia

 

 

 

RUN 1589  Hawley Inn  14th February 2010 

St. Valentine's Day (not that any hasher would notice)

 

SHIGGY IN WONDERLAND

 

 

The hash arrived in heavy snow and a mini blizzard which fortunately abated before the on. Early conversation was somewhat bizarre with PETAL explaining how SILVIER had been very frustrated because his zip had stuck and SCRIBETTE warning that there would be many leg overs on the run. Suitably warmed and enthused by this information the hash set off. Given the difficulty of finding the pub a miracle occurred with CENTRE OF ATTRACTION arriving on time (just). Truly this was a clear sign that we were in for a special hash.

 

The early phases were characterised by extreme shiggy and a perpetual moan from BIDET that his hands were cold. None of the female hashers offered to help relieve his pain (or anything else for that matter) and he was roundly ignored. After several fields we entered a wonderland of wooden bridges, hanging fronds, narrow valleys with steep stairways and lots of Grade 1 shiggy. Torvil and Dean where are you when you are wanted? In fact, so deep was the shiggy and so heavy going were the fields that the build up on running shoes obviated the need for flour as everyone grew at least three feet and could see the trail over the trees. Things weren’t helped by HAAGEN DASH who, ignoring SCHOONER’S advice ran off at ninety degrees to the trail. Throughout these  tribulations we were fully protected by FRUIT AND NUT’S camouflage hat which kept us hidden from enemy helicopters and strike aircraft.

 

Unfortunately, the early promise of this run was severely undermined by the presence of a real (dare I say it) athlete. He easily blew pseudo athletes like MOUNTAIN RESCUE fully away and was even giving SILVIER a run for his money.

 

The trail came to an end in a field where, after what seemed like hours a single blob of flour was found some 150 yds from the check. So confused was DICKHEAD that a quarter of a mile later he veered off right. If it had not been for HORN he would probably have been lost forever.

 

Down downs were awarded to:

 

SCRIBETTE and her subcontractor for setting such a shiggy run (yes that was shiggy).

SEX SLAVE for being the hash scapegoat and as a stand in for birthday girl SARAH.

HAAGEN DASH for ignoring the advice of his intellectually superior dog.

ALICE for winning best of breed at the local county show (hence the rosette)

BIDET for poor dog control and failing to reel her in.

MOUNTAIN RESCUE who, under severe duress was given a down down for 200 runs

and

EASY RIDER who had descended into philosophy over the gliding of hashers and other transcendental musings. Perhaps he should get together with SCHOONER.

 

EVER READY                                                                                       PRIMATE in absentia

 

 

 

RUN 1590        Hen & Chicken Pub, Bisley          21st February 2010

 

Horn and

 

"Mud, mud, glorious mud. Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood...."     Flanders & Swan's composition of the

 

Hippopotamus song

 

 

In November and December, we endured an undiluted diet of torrential rain. After the Copenhagen Global Warning Conference, the worst winter since records began began and it's still with us. The threat of climate change has prompted the Basingstoke Town Counselors to make a bid for the 2014 Winter Olympics since Sochi in Russia will by then have become an arid desert (shortly after Vancouver).

 

Today was exceptional in that ice, the remains of snow, torrential rain (fortunately not during the hash), flooded roads and shiggy tracks were ALL present at once. In short, a classic British winter hash and it can only be a matter of time before we gain our Olympic status. We would get a gold for sure by following that old formula of the Empire:- Invent a sport with unintelligible rules, introduce it to the colonies, thrash them at every competition and then move on as soon as they've practiced enough to thrash us back. (Cricketers take note please!)

 

A cunning and inventive trail lead us around and within ricochet's reach of a small war. Since I had not expected to write today's account I gave my neurons a rest to divert energy to the running bits of my body. This is usually thighs, legs and feet, however, in the latter stages of the hash, the feet as far as I could tell were no longer present. I was not alone in this judging by the duck-like jogging style of the FRB's, except for Mountain Rescue who, with the typical foresight and planning of a military man, wore heated bootees under his hashing gear, a military secret recently released along with the revelations of UFO sightings. Talking of which, did you see Fruit'n Nut's BBC girlfriend commentating on the Olympics. With those sort of contacts we're in there for sure. Roll on 2014 and let's go for gold. Not necessarily the medal but at least Thraplewold's Old Gold Bitter, shortly to feature at the Selborne Arms.

 

At 75 minutes for the FRB's, the hash was, indeed, an excellent way to gain the moral high ground before descending back into the decadent morass from whence we rose. Talking of morasses - back to the hash. There were some cunning check-backs that reversed the pack very effectively. Stirring up those neurons I now remember passing an aged hasher using ski poles. Yes! Practicing for 2014 already; what a hero! As for Mary, you've all heard it before, "I'll take it easy today since I've got Achilles tendon, Ulysses groin, Jupiter's do-dahs" and all the rest. For the first time in history, he did actually walk. Even Nettles was below par, although, with 2014 in the offing, you have to pace yourself. You don't want to peak too early.

 

Down-downs were justifiably awarded to Horn and Hippo for an excellent shiggy run, Mountain Rescue for crimes already mentioned, Dickhead for Steer Wrestling, Old Thumper and somebody else (the Directors is getting to the neurons again) for insulting the RA. Was it Denise (of 'Denise is connected to the thigh bone' fame)? I can't remember but it doesn't matter. It was a good day out with North Hants Hash yet again.

 

 

RUN 1591

 

Trench-Foot Trail

 

Hares:  Yorkie, Kerb Crawler & Wet Bush   At:  Somewhere in Su**ey!

Weather:  Wet Wet Wet    Pack:  A Few Hardy Souls

When?:   Last day of Feb for run 1591

 

Well, with the proper scribes heeding the warnings from the Met Office and leaving the country, your ex-scribe was volunteered by the RA (not possible to refuse!) to write some more untruths.

 

The Hare had said that there were only 8 parking spaces at the pub; at one stage it looked as though that was going to be 6 too many, but eventually a good pack turned up dressed in Sou’Westers and galoshes. The start was next to a canal, but it could equally have been a road, such was the flooding.

So, off we went after the usual words from the hares and greetings to a plethora of visitors from the Haslemere Hash. Wet Bush was to take the walkers; she certainly wouldn’t have any problems finding many of her namesake! So, up over the canal bridge and onto the flooded paths. Water and mud was to be the ongoing theme, it was one of those runs you’d like to do again in the Summer as it was very scenic as the trail criss-crossed the Wey and canal. Mind you with the summers we get at the moment, it would still be flooded! Occasionally, there was a bit of road, which caused Haagen-Dash’s right arm to stretch as he tried to hold back a rampant Schooner; nothing worked, including shouting at him. Perhaps he needs an English to Dog interpreter. Strangely, a small black dog owned by one of the visitors spent a lot of time chasing Schooner, not at all put off by the disparity in size. Schooners just a pussy cat, really!

 

There were quite a few plank bridges to cross, some of which were very green and slippery. D.Head took these very gingerly as he had already fallen heavily at the pub on the wooden decking before the run started!  One part of the trail seemed to weave in and around trees in a copse in a completely random order, rather than in a straight line; this had the hand of Yorkie written all over it!

 

At a r/g, Old T spotted the bottom half of Caroline’s skirt had wicked up a fair bit of water. She suggested Caroline had a bad case of rising damp!

Onward we went, splashing around a particularly flooded path where I followed JGG because he said that’s the way the trail goes. Nobody else went that way because it was knee deep in muck and bullets. How Horn did laugh!

 

Further on, loomed a very steep, narrow bridge over the canal that Kerb Crawler cautioned that the steps were very steep and slippy on the far side.  Hmm, with my shoes perhaps I should swim across. Steps safely negotiated, the trail led into town:  it wasn’t meant to, but some of us got lost, including Kerb Crawler the co-Hare! However, Yorkie was spotted frantically waving, so we followed back along the tow path and home. It had stopped raining!

 

The D’s were performed by the Real RA. Who he awarded them to is a bit of a guess as I can’t read his notes!

 

The Hares, of course. They were: Yorkie, Kerb Crawler, Wet Bush & youngest son Anthony (Not sure he really wanted to be there)!

 

A naming!  Owing to Caroline’s rising damp, she will now be known as Soggy Fringe.

 

Dick Head:   for perambulating about in a soggy field. Doing a box search for the flour, obviously.

 

Silvier & Petal:  Well, not sure what for, but looks as though SPF has written ‘Torr~red’. Any guesses as to what that could be?

 

Horn:  Seems he heard Silvier calling. In your dreams, Horn!

 

A whole gaggle of visitors. I’m sure there were others, but the RA must have winged it as his notes ran out…..

 

And so into the pub, which was a right proper boozer, but with Surrey prices!!!!!

 

 

 

RUN 1592

 

7th March 2010                                                  PERFECT PUTTENHAM

 

It was perfect hashing weather; dry, clear blue sky, sunny and firm going. Turn out was high. On a less happy note it appeared that the growth on NO ENTRY’s back was getting bigger and was now sprouting hair. Also, VELCRO had brought his no nonsense leg slicing and chopping machine. With all hashers avoiding this odd duo we set off for the badlands of Puttneham Common.

 

Immediately confusion reigned as SILVIER hared of in totally the wrong direction and everyone else ran around in circles. Sanity was restored by CENTRE OF ATTRACTION who drove through us in her 4*4 , regally waving at the serfs. We were finally away, with VELCRO merrily chopping legs as we ran down a flight of steps. As we approached the next check a discussion ensued between JOLLY GREEN GIANT and WET BUSH on the use of the word “tarn” instead of “lake”. WET BUSH also demonstrated just how geographically challenged she is when, after measuring the angle of the sun, noting the moss on the trees and consulting her chronometer she proudly announced that we were on Puttenham Common!

 

At the first and only regroup SCHOONER AGAIN disgrace himself by trying to seduce TWO Labradors at the same time. He must have been trying to get one up (!) on EVER READY who had experienced an unfortunate episode with a black curly, sheep like dog earlier in the run. The frission caused by these events was further heightened by CLOGS in her Alice Qui’eda outfit of black yashmak and insane eyes. In their hurry to escape this mad woman SUGAR PLUM FAIRY and EVER READY became today’s tumbling tossers, although SUGAR PLUM FAIRY did at least say he had pulled. Unfortunately it proved to be only a muscle. The final high spot, unseen by the author was Robert’s first swallow dive, head first into shiggy.

 

There were many down downs today:

HANGING ABOUT and PAM for a devastatingly mediocre and (largely) flour free run.

DICKHEAD for illiteracy.

EVER READY for thinking he was in Wales.

VELCRO for child abuse.

CLOGS for missing the blindingly obvious (and the car park).

BIDET for choosing the wrong month to grace us with one of his rare visits.

TOM for new shoes and trying to conceal the fact.

PAM for bouncing cheques.

MOUNTAIN RESCUE for the trend for incorrect parking and short cuts.

And, finally

SILVIER for trying to flog second hand coats in the circle.

 

EVER READY                                                                                    PRIMATE in absentia

 

RUN 1593

 

14th March 2010                                                  HAWLEY LAKE SAILING CLUB

MOTHERS DAY MINI MARATHON

 

This hash started on the wrong foot when FRUIT'n NUT and EVEREADY were laying the trail. After an early start we came across two majors and a number of squaddies around a field kitchen but, in spite of FRUIT'n NUT’s obvious rapport with them they didn’t even offer us a bacon sarnie. Never mind, the weather was positively summer like and we had a good turn out. An early incident almost saw WALLY run down by NO ENTRY twice, an occurrence that many hashers from all over the country would have paid good money to see had it been successful.

The pack assembled to the chinking of halliards (I think that’s what it was) on the masts of  boats drawn up on the hard near our car park.  Having welcomed those present (including Wally!) the RA let the hares loose to explain the trail, the most important feature being the location of the ON-INN, (The Bumble Bee) miles away because the nearby ones were committed to maternal celebrations.

The pack set off past an intriguing notice reading “UOT Command Task” which is believed to be an unnecessary encouragement to Wally.  We soon left the shelter of the trees, turning left on to a track exposed to the wind which shivered me timbers. Fortunately there was a stack of timber to hide behind along part of the trail, but it would have been more comfortable if the foresters had left the trees standing. Most of the pack followed a loop around these clearings, but FLYING DOCTOR who was grounded for the day, and PRIMATE, who is now terrified of keeping the pack waiting, managed to avoid looping.

The going was firm. Even the detour through serious shiggy was disappointing as most of it had dried up. This was proving to be a very uneventful run, through good terrain and in the warm sun. HAGGEN DASH took over the mantle from SCHOONER and was seen to be a little too welcoming to one of our hash virgins, so much so that he ran straight through a regroup. In similar vein, CLOGS was heard to explain that it took her 20 minutes to get into her wet suit. An offer from a certain male hasher to beat that time by a significant margin was graciously declined. As we continued through woods and vales the only irritant was a certain WALLY who seemed to have a moan at almost everything. Truly was ever a man more aptly named?

We wandered on through paths broad (very, and sandy) and narrow, meeting cyclists and others, walking their dogs, and or children. One group doing both were astonished, and no doubt annoyed, by SCHOONER  taking a fancy to their dog (mercifully he left the screaming children alone, and HAAGEN_DASH managed to restrain the offender pretty quickly).

After a depressing example of the group intelligence of the hash, as it ran through at least three, very clear bars and confused the hell out of the new girls, we came to a regroup that was specifically chosen for two reasons: to calm the minds of hashers as they looked over the lake and to give FLYING DOCTOR the opportunity to swim back. Unfortunately she declined this fine offer, but we met the best shiggy of the trail on the short trek back to the car park, where the RA called a somewhat depleted pack into the circle, for the usual abuse and rewards to:

FRUIT'n NUT and EVER READY for a totally unremarkable run.

HAAGEN_DASH and Liz, for failing to re-group at the appointed place

SELF_INFLICTED, who many failed to recognise as he’s been away for six months, camping he says in the scrub of Guyana, but rumour had it that he was actually in The Scrubs.

NO ENTRY for twice failing to run over WALLY

Also, NO ENTRY was invited to enjoy a Down-Down from his old shoes, as the knitting circle had not got back to allow LITTLE_PRICK to make proper use of her new ones.

WALLY for heresy in comparing hashing unfavourably with other world religions.

WALLY again for just being WALLY. It was thought that bringing two hashettes with him might be a mitigating circumstance, until he opened his mouth again condemning himself to the purgatory of everlasting down downs

PRIMATE for not getting lost AND for not coming last(!) after which the pack dispersed.

Then a police armed response unit arrived (to protect Wally?), and by coincidence the knitting circle returned, so the pack was recalled, allowing LITTLE PRICK her penance and FUGGLES a hashy birthday whist the rest enjoyed the cake!

The pack then really dispersed, most making a B line for the “Bumble Bee” which was found in spite of FRUITnNUT’s directions.

 

ON ON                                                                                                           EVER-READY +PRIMATE

 

NH4 Run No 1594                                      The  Cricketers, Kingsley                                   21 Mar 2010

 

A joint run with the Watercress hash, WCH3

 

The car park was packed full for this run, the crowding largely due to WCs, as some NH4 absentees were involved with the Fleet half marathon. This seemed to be a young and old event, with WCs providing the younger element. One particularly small lad came with a large horn with which he  managed to out-do HORN.  The pack was photographed from the front by Wally (something useful for NH4, a first) and the back, for those who failed to turn round, by a harriette  from WCH3.

 

After some instructions regarding a measured mile and various new symbols, probably invented for the occasion, a collection for something or other, and the promise of a beer stop, we were OFF! Across the road past an unusual vehicle - a Jaguar bus- and into a low-lying field with a raised path just a tad drier alongside it. The trail crossed various streams, some with steps, and some with stiles in various states of repair. Then past a field of ancient cars, mostly Citroens which must be quite hard to grow in an English climate. Then a narrow path with barbed wire fencing and shiggy and/or puddles underfoot led into a wood where the path was wider but just as damp.

 

There were very few checks (or balances) but eventually we arrived at a check near a watch tower. Access to the top platform was prevented by a padlock. Wally resisted all requests to climb there, but nevertheless several young WC's attempted the climb, searching for signs of approaching walkers. Meanwhile their elder brethren attacked the beer store, before the walkers turned up! Amongst these new arrivals, C CHARDONNAY was dismayed to be told by one of the said young WCs that the beer was only for the men! Fortunately, the chocolate bars that were distributed at the same time without sexual or age discrimination. LEGOVER received  a chocolate bar described as "Light and Whippy", which she felt was appropriate.

 

After seemingly a long time (everyone got their breath back) to complete these proceedings, we set off again, past another watch tower, this one so rickety in appearance nobody was tempted to climb up it. The trail paths were very wet and slippery, making it quite difficult to walk, and impossible to run. At one point the track was so bad yours truly followed a parallel path in a wood, where the going was not much better; however, there lurking in the shiggy was a GPS Map device. This was either a real trophy or something lost by a hasher; it soon turned out to be the latter, leading to a happy re-union!

At length we came across a fish-hook sign, and shortly afterwards the trail crossed a main road, then worked round in heathland, which bit yours truly short cut, and then back home via "the measured mile" to the car park.

 

Fortunately the weather was fine, because there was a long wait for a missing hare as well as lots of missing hounds. Down_Down ceremonies began with two RAs without a single plot; vast quantities of beer or lemonade were  poured out by RAs who had no plan for dealing with it.  DDs were inflicted randomly on practically everyone present (and by that time the nerves of some intended victims had snapped, and they had already left)

Those caught er rewarded included the Hares DICKHEAD and A N OTHER(s); the RAs themselves; Wally; hash virgins; people peeing behind trees; others snitching on RAs; sinners ignoring fish-hook symbols: a scribe wanting paper (for reasons unspecified), Uncle Tom Cobley, and all. They got beer or lemonade as appropriate. Mercifully when at last all this stuff was exhausted, those hounds who had not already departed made for the Cricketers which although crowded, managed to provide food and drink as required.

 

ON ON                                                                                                                         PRIMATE

 

Apologies from EVEREADY who was needed at the finish of Fleet half marathon to remove items of equipment from female entrants (somebody has to do it).

 

 

NH4 Run No 1596                         RUNFOLD IN THE RAIN                                        2 April 2010

 

NH4’s 39th Birthday run

 

 

The hares were twice blessed by fine weather for setting the hash and by the help of HI_HAT, a flour carrier par excellence and apprentice hare who turned up at the last minute to help. There was one hiccup when the hash almost followed the wrong trail but, given the apprentice’s advanced age one cannot complain too much. The weather was less kind to the pack: it started drizzling at the OFF.

There were dire warnings of danger where the trail used short bits of road, and subsequently OLD THUMPER realised how dangerous when she had to take avoiding action on seeing a DOM (aka a hare) lurking in the shadows.

 

We had a very good turn out, almost everyone in fact, and the hash started off with high enthusiasm. FLYING DOCTOR demonstrated her small parachute early on, apparently designed to lift her out of shiggy and NUTCRACKER, in her eagerness to show off her athletic prowess, managed to trample HEADPLANT. Off we went down road and lane and all was going well until, after a steep hill which seemed to finish everyone the hash picked up the apprentice’s mistake. A combination of loud calling and blind panic from the hare soon got everyone back on track. It seems that the large house before the hill was a private school for young ladies. The thought of this crippled DICKHEAD’s running for at least three hundred yards.

 

There was the usual declining group intelligence as a large field was crossed, with OLD THUMPER trying to hedge her bets so much that she almost ended up in the next county. By a miracle everyone made it to the regroup. From then on it was fairly routine with no one getting lost. The main pack degenerated into two walking/talking/knitting circles with LITTLE PRICK and FULL FRONTAL debating the esoteric problems of raising children and CLOGS and FUKAWI generally talking bollocks. At this point HIPPO was so unimpressed that he took the long walker’s route home. The beer stop then ensued, although kept short to avoid dilution in the torrential rain.

 

The loop after the beer stop seemed to confuse everyone, with ‘ER_INDOORS being the first to emerge. Although one of the hares stood on the next check and shouted clear instructions SEISMATTERS and several others missed the broad hints and almost missed the ON_INN. Fatigue, and the effects of cold weather and rain had probably set in by then. So we reached the end of the hash with one of the hares being approached by PETAL to ask the most important question of the day “is my mascara running”? [No-one was running at that stage.]

 

Down Downs were held in the palatial (and warm and dry) surroundings of the pub and were awarded to:

 

The hares, PRIMATE, EVER READY and their flour carrier HI_HAT for a totally average run.

NUTCRACKER for almost trampling HEADPLANT

FAIRY SNOW for complaining about his purple toe and showing it to everyone.

Hashy birthday to NO ENTRY.

Hashy birthday to NETTLES

Finally, CLOGS was called upon to bless the hash and lo, beer rained from heaven upon the RA.

 

 

 

EVER READY                                                                                                            PRIMATE 8

 

 

NH4 Run No 1597                                     EASTER PARADE                                                      4 April 2010

Eggcessively long egg hunt from the Tweseldown Car Park

 

A smaller pack than usual turned out on this bright clear evening for our first 6 PM run this year. Notable absentees included SPF, no doubt frightened off by his dowsing on run 1596, but we were graced by the presence of Wally whose helpful advice and guidance was an inspiration irritation to us all. Although  Tweseldown is an old favourite, YORKIE had promised some innovations for this first evening run. The pre hash was quite uneventful, save for an apparent repeat of the by now infamous Schooner and FLYING DOCTOR New Forest incident. This time it turned out to be HOBBLE (a slight improvement!).

 

The first check, just across the football field took ages whilst the young and starving hunted down Easter goodies, but that was the easy bit! Finding the trail took even longer but was found eventually to lead across Bourley road into the scrub near the abandoned shops, where the Hares led a hunt for more hidden goodies. After this, the trail was somewhat difficult to find but we finally set off for what was  to be a magical mystery tour of Fleet.

 

We ran through a sports field nobody knew about, and off towards the old Ghurka barracks. Before reaching there, however we turned off across a boggy field, skirting the police dog training area (good practice for hounds, that). After some (more) confusion the trail was found to lead AWAY from Tweseldown, The beauties of Quetta Park then led to the old RA grounds, round a hill fortified with pill boxes, (defending what? wondered FLYING DOCTOR), and into Ewshot recreation ground, where several people who, by now had lost the will to live, ran straight through bars and were not seen again for several hours. Also, at this point HORN decided to show SMASH his legendary shiggy slinging skills. During the ensuing exchanges SMASH fell down and was well and truly shiggied and FULL FRONTAL got mud all over her backside. She was very concerned about this but, after a careful and close examination yours truly was able to assure her that all was well!

 

After the next check, several hashers had an attack of the vapours as they were overtaken by BACK SEAT TEXTER going like an express train. This event will become the stuff of hash legend; its veracity lost in the mists of time as old hashers swear they were there and saw it! At the next check we enter the deep and dark Beacon Hill woods where everyone assumed YORKIE would turn us left towards the ON IN. He didn’t!!! Instead we went right into the water catchment area. [Their patience having snapped, some SCBs did turn left at this point and eventually returned tired and hungry to the start].  All this was continuously commented on by Wally, in his usual balanced and well thought out manner. As the rigours of the hash now started to tell, a forlorn group of around eight hardy souls finished as the sun was setting on the Peter Driver car park, having been out for an hour and three quarters.

 

In the absence of SPF, the regular RA, FRUITnNUT acted as RA in his usual witty, sensitive, deep thinking and totally incomprehensible manner. Down Downs were awarded to:

 

The hares, YORKIE and WET BUSH for a challenging and leg aching trail.

WALLY, for his seasonally flowered shorts.

EVER READY for his new, go faster trendy hair cut.

‘ER INDOORS for jumping up and down and getting overheated (?!)

SMASH for not really giving a b………..

And finally, a hashy birthday for HANGING ABOUT

 

EVER READY                                                                                                                        PRIME 8

 

 

 

Run 1598                                            ELSTREE ESCAPADE                                    11th April 2010

 

A sunny but increasingly cold evening saw a good turnout at the Moat car park. HOBBLE arrived munching a HUGE sandwich because he had “only” had a large fried breakfast at noon and his stomach was fading away (yeah right). FRUIT and NUT was explaining to a couple of young ladies that the explosion of pustules on his face were the result of a misspent youth in the Far East (exit females right) while MARY and YORKIE engaged in an in depth debate on their various injuries. It’s a wonder MARY is still alive. PONCE then arrived with missus and two beautiful black Labradors. EAT your heart out Schooner for not being there! HANGING ABOUT offered to show everyone a list of the hashes they had done. When it was realised how many DICKHEAD had run over the years the reason for the mysterious difference in length between his right and left leg became clear.

 

The off took us straight into deep shiggy. GOLDENBALL decided to make an attempt on the world bog snorkelling championship, attended by a rather disdainful Scrappy who had seen it all and done it all before. VELCRO had his mini snow plough with him and managed to turf FRUIT and NUT into deep water. So much did FRUIT and NUT enjoy this experience that he fell into deep water again a few hundred yards further on, his excuse being that what he though was a bridge was, in fact two logs floating side by side. After these rather traumatic opening few hundred yards things settled down to an even run through good and varying terrain. The only worry during this phase was a strange experience when the author heard HIPPO telling HORN to call him angel (or was it my angel)? A discreet veil was quickly drawn over this episode.

 

The remainder of the hash largely consisted of long runs through lots of mud and over several boardwalks. The latter were very welcome as we would all have been bog snorkelling otherwise. It was on leaving the last of these that EVER READY demonstrated his famous full twist and half tuck before landing in a heap in a pile of shiggy. A great way to end the hash!!

 

Down downs were awarded as follows:

 

BFG and OLD THUMPER for setting the run.

VELCRO for the snow plough incident and for causing general congestion.

SYLVIA for running several times around PERU.

FRUIT and NUT and EVER READY as this week’s tumbling tossers.

GOLDENBALL for mistaking deep water for a puddle.

PONSE for trying too hard by running up every hill he could find.

MARY for getting lost at the first check.

FLYING DOCTOR for posing the philosophical question “what is WALLY for”?

 

And BFG again for showing favouritism to HIPPO (another call me angel incident)?

 

 

 

EVER READY                                                                                    PRIME 8(in absentia)

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1599                                                                                                     18 April 2010

Alice Holds on For a Rest

 

All flying having been stopped courtesy of volcanos, there was a very good turn out on this warm and sunny evening. The start was somewhat difficult to find which led to many hashers arriving at the last minute. This was used as an excuse by SOGGY FRINGE to demonstrate her pathological hate of BMWs when, in spite of a dozen hashers waving and shouting she almost took out a poor woman who was trying to escape from the hash. It was a bad evening also for FLYING DOCTOR who, after early attention was left by SCHOONER for the undoubted attractions of BIDET’s and/or PONCE’s Alsatian and/or Labrador. Never mind, she at least had the comfort of her packamac, cagoule and primus stove “in case it got cold later on”. We were also pleased to see that GOLDENBALL had brought a substitute for Scrappy in the person of Georgina.

 

The off was a long, straight forest path which left the pack desperate for a check. On and on we went, through more and more long straight bits until Bentley station hove into view. Here, SILVIER had some form of mental breakdown, sending the pack in two different directions. The confusion was heightened by the usual tuneful competition between HIPPO and HORN, trumped by the SW Trains Alton flyer.

 

Fortunately, the next check was a regroup where several of the male hashers were found to be in deep admiration of CHARDONNAY’s danglers.  When the excitement had died down, we were off, again through fields and up hills until we reached the Research Station. Here PETAL was heard to remark that when it’s fun it’s over very quickly (the hash of course) and MARY bemoaned the fact that the Research Station was a lovely place to work, unlike his day which is spent in stains. The exact nature of said stains was not made clear. It was about this time also that the hares had a falling out. It appears that we ran one loop twice because the “dim blond” had been ignored by hubby. MARY then pontificated on the trust and love that marriage should bring, causing several hashers to experience attacks of acute nausea and vomiting.

 

The remainder of the hash was relatively uneventful, save for SEISMATTERS who was hit by a low flying branch, which presumably was trying to avoid the volcanic ash contamination. Resuscitation was assred by HOBBLE who had brought the hash beer supplies, and cunningly turned his car round so he could easily get to the ON INN first. HORN’s devious blocking of HOBBLE’s car to ensure he didn’t was probably due to pique at the beer quality?

 

Down downs were delayed by a suicidal cyclist who pedalled through the circle (surely a hanging offence) but finally got underway and SPF awarded them to:

 

PETAL and SILVIER for setting a running hash through some attractive but demanding country.

DICKHEAD for an unprovoked attack on the RA.

SCHOONER for not listening to His Master’s Voice, HAAGEN DASH.

SHRINKY DINK, PRIME 8 and VELCRO for encouraging the volcanic ash by cancelling holidays.

LEGOVER for avoiding the ash and retuning in time to put an end to a planned booze up

HORN for ignoring her return.

MARY for his unfortunate sermon on marriage.

 

And, finally

OLD THUMPER who valiantly drank HOBBLE’s down down for being the day’s laziest hasher.

 

 

EVER READY                                                                                                            PRIME 8

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1600                                                                                                                        25/4/10

 

The Bluebell Rejuvenation Run

 

The Bluebell Rejuvenation Area sign was seen by PRIMATE on his run(?)in. It was very appropriate for, after his birthday on Saturday several hashers were in need of serious rejuvenation. EVER READY almost took out a 4 by 4 in one of the narrow lanes on the way to the hash and, having arrived was so befuddled that he thought PETAL was much taller than OLD THUMPER, before he realised that he was standing between them on a steep hill. HIPPO, having agreed with HORN that he would lay the downhill parts of the trail while HORN laid the uphill parts, in practice only managed to arrive one check before the end of the trail laying. The incredible excuse was a broken down car!

 

Overall the run was quite uneventful, or was it the eerie silence that comes with partial hangovers? Perhaps it was the exhaustion experienced by most of the pack as we ran straight up what felt like Mount Everest at the start. However the uphill slog was less demanding than on a previous visit because the weather was not as hot.

 

We followed a squeezed balloon (almost a figure-of-eight) pattern, with the rendezvous near the centre, but the pack was not aware of this because the trail was very undulating and uneven, almost exclusively through woodland. There was the odd bright flash of sun as we emerged at the edge of a field or down a lane. One field was occupied by cows with (non-crumpled) horns, who took little interest in hashing. So desperate for sunlight was YORKIE that at one point he went haring off into a field, only to return to the trail while uttering a long series of curses. Not to be outdone, WET BUSH, in her own inimitable way managed to lead most of the pack astray at one point but a blast on the horn soon got us back on track.

 

The final third of the run was carried out in silent misery until, suddenly, FRUIT and NUT emerged, wide eyed and dishevelled from a bush having failed to find the start or the trail. Heart attacks all round!

 

By some quirk of hash geography, the run had been more up hill than down, but with beautiful views over the countryside from the top bits.

 

Down downs were awarded to:

 

HORN for setting an up and down, round and around trail that confused everyone.

 

HIPPO, for NOT setting an up and down, round and around trail that confused everyone.

 

The “late” FRUIT and NUT for beating even his record for being lost.

 

ALICE who should have known better.

and

A hashy birthday for PRIME 8 who almost aged another year in drinking his half a pint.

 

 

EVER READY                                                                                                                        PRIME 8

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1602                                                                                                           9 May 2010

 

Animal Parade

 

A small pack assembled at the Odiham Wharf car park, recalling for some an earlier visit when the BBC and heavy rain attended a Deepcut run from the same spot. Mercifully, it was dry on this occasion, but a tad chilly. The Hares warned us about the need to be quiet and polite due to the presence of horses and cows with calves (not the horses) and we set off. The trail led over the canal and passed the Waterwitch Pub and turned right shortly afterwards, through a kissing gate into open fields. The FRB’s managed to upset one particular cow at this point. It started bellowing even louder than HIPPO (!) and so frightened us slower mortals that we dared not follow the FRB’s, but diverted to avoid an ugly confrontation. We saw at least two calves at the far side of the field, attended by a young mother, so it was presumably granny who saw us off. Silly old MOO.

 

The trail crossed various fields, then led past a farmyard with assorted animals including some noisy sheep (not HIPPO challenging) and then into a housing estate. Yours truly followed YORKIE at this point, a big mistake cos we both missed a footpath which led down to the Boosingstoke Canal. By the time yours truly got there the horizon was clear, (clear of hashers, I mean). However a left turn was clearly in order, and a right turn at the main road indicated by flour.

 

After some anxious moments I spotted the pack, who must have followed a big loop cos I’d caught up. Across the road near The Jolly Miller Pub and off into country lanes for a bit, eventually rejoining the canal (actually the tow path) which we followed as far as the lifting bridge, where HORN did some trailblazing. Having found the trail, he was about to exercise his instrument when he was confronted by a horse. Not wishing to alarm the animal, HORN apologized profusely and let the pack find their own way. How noble!

 

Shortly afterwards we arrived at North Warnborough High Street, hardly the centre of a great metropolis, and turned left to the roundabout, roundabout which the pack turned back. Encouraged by SILVIERFOX, HIPPO and yours truly did not turn back, but took the high road for Odiham, pretending that we would rejoin the trail later. However we managed to find a cunning short cut which avoided the rest of the trail, but fortunately finished in the dreaded car park where NO ENTRY awarded Down downs to:

 

The HARES SILVIERFOX :and PETAL for an excellent trail

FRENCH LEAVE for a subtle hint (too subtle for your correspondent)

LEGOVER and PETAL (again) for hiding in the bushes (some subtle reason)

PRIME 8 because the pack decided not to wait for him (reference to a frigate again too subtle for your correspondent)

Sadly the HORN incident did not come to light in time for punishment.

 

The pack then retired to the Waterwitch to recover from their exertions

 

EVER READY (in absentia)                                                                                                      PRIME 8

 

 

NH4 Run No 1603                                                                                                               16 May 2010

 

Lakeland

 

A small car park awaited a large number of cars just south of The Hog’s Back; where we had a good turn-out for a dullish day. However no cold wind to-day, so the pack set off in high hopes, not dampened by the Hare’s intimation that it was a longish run, nor his threat of an indeterminate number of re-groups.

 

At least, or rather at first, it was dry but at what felt like three quarter’s way round it began to rain, just a few drops, and then stopped, so we thought we were home and dry. But no, steady rain set in for the duration, and worse, we weren’t even half way round yet! The sort of warmish, dampish weather when you can sit at home and practically watch the grass grow. But we weren’t at home.

 

At the start, a short path between high bushes led out from the car park, meeting what appeared to be a newly made broad track beneath some power lines. This led down hill for what seemed like several miles, reaching a check and then proceeding even further. This set the pattern for the run; long stretches with few checks (or balances) so that the FRBs got further and further ahead, except for them what got lost. The trail was a mixture of woodland, with banks of (damp) bluebells, open fields, some with electric fencing, and Lakeland paths.

 

A new feature introduced by HANGING ABOUT was to put down extra flour markings, AFTER the pack had passed; a most welcome feature for back markers like yours truly. Nick (AKA little HANGING ABOUT) was collecting photographic evidence during the dry part of the run. Hounds are advised that any black mail demands should be referred to HashCom for adjudication. Or maybe we await a new production Hash pics of Love? Clearly, a new name is called for; what about HASH_FLASH?

 

In steady rain NO ENTRY, the RA, quickly awarded down-downs to:

The HARES, HANGING ABOUT and Mrs HANGING ABOUT, for a well marked trail, and for organizing the accompanying rain, a repeat offence.

VELCRO(M) for whinging even before the OFF, early even for him, a leader ,no less!

Naming ceremony for Mrs HANGING ABOUT , now to be called WET PATCH, though truth to tell, everyone had wet patches somewhere, and KILLER GENE forgot to bring her spare kit!

SYLVIER FOX for being both water and flour repellant, so getting lost.

Hashy birthday for SEX SLAVE (nice cake) and a still whinging VELCRO(M)

 

The pack then unpacked with difficulty from the car park, intent on finding somewhere dry to recover, a The Good Intent, where HIPPO carried off all (well most of) the raffle prizes for his tee total home!

 

 

EVER READY (in absentia)                                                                                                      PRIME 8

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1605                                                                                                             30 May 2010

 

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

 

It was a perfect evening for hashing, sunny but cool, but the tranquillity of the evening was shattered by the arrival of WALLY and the sudden emergence of a decrepit back packer, who turned out to be MOUNTAIN RESCUE. Further unease was caused by KERB CRAWLER’s new shorts and the fact that VELCRO M  junior was wearing his dad’s reins. To cap it all, HOBBLE got into a tugging match over a stick with SCHOONER. The latter won and also almost took parts of HOBBLE’s anatomy as well.

 

Off we went into the wide green yonder of Tunnel Hill. After only a short time WET BUSH started stripping but, to all-round disappointment cooled sufficiently at the first check to put her clothes back on. At this point FLYING DOCTOR started a low level muttering of “how can I get rid of WALLY” that lasted the whole hash, unfortunately without resolution as he was still there at the end, moaning about standards and the lack of calling. On this, I hear that SILVIER FOX, NETTLES and one or two others are to be sent, at hash expense on a three day FRB course. This will teach them how to say “ON ON” loud enough for others to hear, and for advanced students, how to kick out a circle of flour for others to see. Muttering was also heard from FUKAWI and CLOGS who seemed to be able to keep talking for the whole hash. Finally, at the last regroup FRUIT AND NUT discovered a green TARDIS which turned out to be an Army toilet. He expressed much interest in this because the last time he found one he had entered it only to find a ten pound note on the floor. He explained that, as he bent to pick it up he got a surprise. We stopped his narrative at that point.

 

As is usual with FRUIT AND NUT a large number Down Downs were awarded, many for reasons which, to put it mildly were somewhat obscure, so much so that VELCRO junior made a beeline for the beer, probably seeking oblivion. Among this week’s recipients were:

 

MOUNTAIN RESCUE for producing yet another unique and enjoyable hash over an area that we have run many times before.

EVER READY and FULL FRONTAL as returnees (after only two weeks!)

WALLY for being WALLY and for introducing two unsuspecting members of Hart Road Runners to the  rigours of hashing. These were christened COUNTRY GIRL and FINISHER WHO STARTS.

CLOGS for being so nice to everyone and for her deep awareness and understanding of the human condition. Her willingness to share her wine with the RA was a further supporting factor.

FUKAWI for demonstrating her social conscience by picking up litter on the hash.

HORN for leading from the front and, for once being in tune.

 

And FLYING DOCTOR for a hashy birthday.

 

Footnote

EVEREADY kindly gave KILLER GENE and PRIMATE a lift to this run, requesting PRIMATE not to leave anything in his car (£10 notes excepted accepted) and was assured by KILLER GENE that she would prevent this, (£10 notes excepted accepted). Consequently, when he got home EVEREADY was surprised to find KILLER GENE’s bum bag (no money) left in his car!

 

EVER READY (in absentia)                                                                                                      PRIME 8

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1606                                                                                                            6 June 2010

 

Lost in Little London

It was another of those warm, sultry evenings, but with threatened thunder storms. The pre hash festivities started with NH4’s tribute to the Word Cup which, unfortunately came to a premature end when DICKHEAD’s perfect overhead bicycle kick led to the ball hitting the windscreen of HAAGENDASH’s van. So shocked was SCHOONER that he handed over the driving so that HAAGENDASH could park the van. Through all this, KERBCRAWLER was on a higher intellectual plane whilst discussing Latin grammar with EVER READY. This was good practice as their combined IQ, along with that of the rest of the hash was soon to be severely tested by AQUA and JJ as they explained their new marking system. This had been devised to overcome the fact that another hash had recently used the same area. We soon got into concepts such as single blobs being double blobs and checks being totally different to usual. By the time AQUA had introduced second order differential blobs and tensor calculus blobs most people just wanted to go in the pub and drink themselves into oblivion. Nevertheless, we found the ON and managed to stumble on our way. [It was actually quite simple really; five two-bob cheques plus four half-crown ones to the pound]

The first problem was a field with five exits. This was so large that no one could hear anyone calling. The hares were already starting to panic and led the hash slowly out of its first dilemma (after 3 minutes!!). Confidence was further shattered when JJ was heard to say that he didn’t know the next part of the trail as AQUA had set it on her own. At one point we became so confused that the hares called everyone back to a check so that we could start all over again. As the run progressed fewer mistakes were made but JJ accused hashers of “lacking in concentration” on several occasions! It was clear that normality was returning as the usual partner ship of FUKAWI and CLOGS got into one of their long winded discussions; this time something about the difficulty of getting rubber suits off quickly (!). Not to be outdone, PETAL and LEGOVER also got into a long discussion but clammed up every time yours truly came near.

 Shortly afterwards several runners felt spots of rain which, unfortunately turned out to be drops of sweat from FRUIT and NUT. Shuddering and vomiting were the order of the day. The trail finally came to a check fully furnished with an information board and incomprehensible maps, which restored the confusion. HAMLET appeared from nowhere, refused to join the SCBs, and disappeared only to return later with the FRB pack! The SCBs had been waiting for ages for this reunion, but had failed to find the ON. PRIMATE and FLYING DOCTOR were instructed to make their way towards a wooden shed where they would be met by the rest of the hash. They were not seen again until well after the end of the hash. I refuse to draw any conclusions from this episode.

It was a very good run and, what’s more AQUA and JJ gave us a LOT OF IT! After a sudden Down  Down pour in the pub car park we sought refuge in the pub where Down Downs ceremonies were resumed; NO ENTRY awarding them to:

AQUA and JJ for innovative marking and excellent terrain.

KARL MARKS and MARY for running most of the trail the wrong way round.

NETTLES for following HAMLET instead of the trail.

SILVIER FOX for being so competitive that he jumped the pub garden fence to get back before NETTLES.

and

HAAGEN DASH for running through 17 checks in 300 yards, thereby almost beating the hash record.

 

EVER READY                                                                                                                        PRIME 8

 

NH4 Run No 1607                                                                                                            13 June 2010

 

No Rows in Rowhill

It was a warm evening that Robert chose to organise this run with a little help from his Dad. The car park as usual was a tad crowded not only with NH4 cars, but also a couple of soldiers’ cars whose owners were driven off by FRUITnNUT’s commands, or perhaps by his recruiting efforts. We thought maybe they had taken revenge by denting JGG’s car, but it turned out the damage had been inflicted by French (possibly targeted) hailstones. But I digress....

Hare VELCRO(M) warned all present to observe the bars, which seemed only right when you consider how small Rowhill Copse actually is. But the trail through it seemed quite long, and did not emerge until about the half hour mark (well , for yours truly), eventually crossing the road towards long valley. Here, we followed the southern edge for a while eventually leaving trees and having fine views across the valley. The FRBs disappeared down steep tracks to the valley floor, but the Hares advised the rearguard (ie yours truly plus the usual suspects) not to lose height, so we didn’t.

At this point it seemed time to turn for home which we did, arriving before the FRBs some of whom were believed to have climbed to Caesar’s camp! Having returned muggings began a search for KILLER GENE, but no-one seemed to have seen her back at the ranch. Eventually she was spotted hiding in the car; that’s what happens if you give her a spare key.

Down Downs ceremonies were conducted by NO ENTRY who awarded:

VELCRO(M) and Robert, for setting an interesting trail over a remarkably small area.

SMASH for ineffective snitching [possessing new shoes is not a crime, only wearing them on the run].

NETTLES for running in the wrong direction NAVIGATOR.

GEORDIE FIDDLER, Visitor from DH3.

The pack then moved on to The Royal Arms, where HORN was heard complaining about the size of print on run reports; he can’t read them without the glasses which he doesn’t use on the hash! Hence this special edition.

 

EVER READY                                                                                        PRIMATE

 

NH4 Run No 1608                                                                                                           20 June 2010

 

Chawton Challenge

A perfect hashing evening attracted a good turnout. Even SUGAR PLUM FAIRY appeared, albeit for a short time; hopefully we’ll see more of him soon. FRUIT and NUT was indulging in his favourite hobby of “telling young women about hashing”. The ladies in question were in a car and, being sensible they kept moving, but this did not deter him! By this time the circle had become a rabble with various elements of the knitting circle forming chatting groups. Finally, NO ENTRY imposed severe discipline and set us on our way.

The first few hundred yards were like the Lord of the Rings with dappled sunshine and low hanging vines. Several hashers thought they had sighted an Orc but it turned out to be BIDET on a bad day. At this point the hash slowed considerably. Was this due to the very short, tight white skirt FUGGLES was wearing? It was obviously causing the sap to rise in the old and gnarled trees because PRIMATE was heard to make a suggestion to her at a kissing gate. This had such an impact on him that, while passing a road named “Portsmouth Close” he consulted his trusty GPS and announced that Portsmouth was, in fact miles away.

Portsmouth not so Close was passed after a circuitous route around the Alton Rehab centre, which set one or two pacemakers racing ahead, out into an open field where exposure to the sun threatened trouble. This danger was averted, however, by diverting through woods, giving shade from the sun and from satellites (GPS unhappy). Celestial guidance was not necessary as it turned out, because NO ENTRY took pity on the SCBs and brought us home over the A31, helpfully half closed off by road works signs (no signs of actual works!) and back into the delights of Chawton (actually of Greyfriars).

After early adventures the FRBs reached the only regroup where, for some reason there were mutterings about chocolate, and AQUA delivered a lecture on various forms of exotic ice cream. It was here also that Kevin’s Microsoft T Shirt attracted a reboot from DICKHEAD and SYLVIA found something that was a billion years old and unique. No, not FRUIT and NUT, who collared said object, a flint, for his extensive rock collection (he really does have a rock collection!!). The remainder of the run was uneventful save for one incident where SYLVIA actually called and we understood the words. The age of miracles has not yet passed!

Down Downs were awarded BY no entry, to:

KERB CRAWLER and NO ENTRY for an excellent run.

PRIME 8 for the incident at the knee trembler bridge.

SCRIBETTE for cycling services to chavs.

FLYING DOCTOR for 400 runs.

KENDAL for services to social climbing when claiming to come from Farnham when she is, in fact a member of the Alton crew.

EVER READY                                                                                              PRIME 8

 

NH4 Run No 1609                                                                                                           26 June 2010

 

Corfe Killer

 

All the ingredients for a great hash were present; a major turn out, very hot weather, guests from (Sh) Surrey and fabulous countryside. Then SYLVIA came along! After he told us that that there were to be 5 re groups, a cut from 10 to “only” 7 miles and a run of “around” 2.25 hours visions of a relaxed day evaporated.  This did not faze DOUBLE DIGITS who in full fashion model pose informed us that running during hashes was SO last season. By this time SCRUFFY had been fitted with a lead twice as long as the hash to save CENTRE of ATTRACTION the bother of running too far and Ben announced that it sounded like fun, thereby highlighting his tender years. The hash set off in great trepidation.

 

Things went well for until HANGING ABOUT and KERB CRAWLER decided to give the castle a closer look and fell a mile behind. Almost as soon as they caught up we entered a series of checks that were akin to the Hampton Court maze (with barbed wire). A little tension was apparent between the hares at this point. Next, a new hash milestone was achieved as MARY and KARL MARX were both injured, at the same place at the same time and whinged in unison! On we plodded with the incessant sun beating down on us, being ambushed by devious gorse bushes and gradually succumbing to dehydration. Even the spotter plane sent out to find us brought no relief. Finally, we made the cider stop which was good, but many hashers subsequently fell victim to the dreaded gas-at-both-ends syndrome. Things were summed up by a sign that read “Scotland 1 mile” which caused several people to lie down and await the vultures.

 

We finally made the pub to be met by THREE MINUTE WONDER with half a bra on his head; delirium had finally set in. SUGAR PLUMB FAIRY awarded many down downs:-

 

SYLVIER and PETAL for a “challenging” hash.

FLYING DOCTOR and NETTLES for identity confusion.

MARY for causing the identity confusion and acute indecision while calling.

THREE MINUTE WONDER for breaking glasses and almost everything else as he attempted to straddle jump a barbed wire fence.

EVER READY for coming out of the closet and admitting his lesbian tendencies to MARY. Previously he had been so far in the closet that he spent last winter in Narnia.

BOB and MO for the portaloo incident.

HOBBLE for forward planning by putting a toilet roll in the fridge.

CHOPPER for his modelling aspirations that were dashed for the lack of a wide angle lens.

LITTLE BIG HORN for a hashy birthday.

DOUBLE DIGITS for mistaking Corfe Castle for Stonehenge, thereby confirming her status as a hysterical history bimbo.

NETTLES for extreme service to nerdity as he was seen using his laptop in an internet café in Swanage.

SISTER ANNA for cradle snatching partially dressed toy boy Ben, who also received a down down for being a hash virgin.

AQUA for severe insolence to the RA.

ARFA PINT for still having a virgin bus pass.

 

EVER READY                                                                                                           PRIME 8

 

NH4 Run No 1610                                                                                                           27 June 2010

 

Jurassic Hashers

 

Another hot day awaited a hash that was still recovering from the Corfe Killer and a night of liquid refreshment/recovery. After lashings of bacon (Jurassic rashers) and sausage butties, washed down with Buck’s fizz we were about to set off when CENTRE of ATTRACTION, living up to her name appeared with a huge, oversize bra. Several males offered to stuff it for her (the bra) as GOLDEN BALLS admitted that his air pressure had mysteriously gone down. At this point WHALE erected his large, transportable xylophone but was unable to produce any emissions. In spite of these distractions, the hash finally got under way. Dyspepsia, here we come!

 

The first 100 yds were up a very steep hill that passed so many hasher caravans that half the hash could have stayed in bed and joined in en route (some did). Never mind, the view from the top was glorious, particularly the council recycling facility. We tried to recycle some of the older hashers but were told that there were too few moving parts left to make it worthwhile. The next panorama proved to be the quarry. Given the state of CHARDONNEY the previous night it was christened the stoned quarry. WET BUSH became quite excited at the shape of the bricks until it was pointed out that they were large, irregular boulders a long way away. Her state of confusion could have been caused by the dreamy blue tutu being sported by YORKIE which, with his skin tight, figure hugging athletic vest that showed of all his contours, could turn the head of any young girl. It could also have been the sudden disappearance of the sun as WHALE loomed over the horizon. The change of  signpost from one saying “To Scotland” the previous day to another saying “To California” to-day caused a great deal of apprehension. Thankfully, just  an advertisement for a logistics firm.

 

COMMERCIAL WHALE and PRIMATE joined the SCBs as usual, but due to unusual incompetence (or perhaps incontinence) arrived at the top of a bank to observe the FRBs disappearing at the top of the opposing bank. To rejoin the trail required a hairy if not heroic descent, witnessed by OLD THUMPER and GOLDEN BALLS, who took photos for evidence for a coroner. He seemed disappointed when it became clear that this would not be necessary.

 

After many ups and downs, during which one of the more eccentric inhabitants of Swanage kept up a continuous barrage of insults as we passed him we reached the coastal path. At the next regroup a very elderly couple were heard to remark “…… and some of them aren’t spring chickens” AQUA was outraged at this, especially as they said it on passing her. ON we went, with Swanage getting nearer every second when we came to a large ball on a plinth. Was this where HOBBLE got his hash name? The truth should be told. The final wooded area and drop into the town were very welcome, as was the beer at the Red Lion.

 

SUGAR PLUM FAIRY was so exhausted from the Saturday run that he gave only two down downs:

 

OLD THUMPER and JGG for setting a hash friendly and interesting run.

POPEYE and NO ENTRY to mark the appearance of GMs from two hashes.

However he assured the assembled company that he continued to hate the rest of us; so no cause for concern.

 

EVER READY                                                                                                           PRIME 8

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1612                                                                                                           11 July 2010

 

Norris Nomads

 

After a long(ish) period the hash renewed its acquaintance with Norris Bridge, on a sweltering hot day. Unfortunately the bonhomie of vast packs of dog-owners encountered by the hares when laying flour had not prevented their charges from unlaying much of the stuff, but hey, confusion is the essence of a good trail. The initial circle was a disaster with NO ENTRY desperately trying to stop the incessant chatter from the hash women. This continued throughout the run and moved on to detailed discussions of “female bits”, much to the discomfort of hash males.

 

The hash as usual became very confused by the time of the second check and, as a reward were treated to one mile of shiny new, sun baked tarmac. This stopped much of the earlier nattering and gave notice of the challenges to come. Entering the totem pole equipped forest, yet again confusion reigned but, somehow everyone managed to reach the first regroup undamaged. The hash was very subdued at this point, with none of the usual outpouring of madness and rash acts.

 

By this time the heat was taking its toll, especially of the dads who were subjecting their small offspring to vigorous bouncing in their baby carriers, thereby subjecting young cerebral cortexes to the damage required to grow up to be successful hashers. So exhausted did these dads become that, at one point one of them was grabbed by the ears by one resourceful youngster in a desperate effort to stop him collapsing. VELCRO and NO ENTRY deserve special merit awards for starting the programme to total hash idiocy so early in their offsprings lives. As the pack gradually succumbed to the heat and long straight runs, there was good news when OLD THUMPER announced that she was leaving the world of business to become a conservator. [We understand that this requires the detection and preservation of old material, a service which several existing hashers are obviously desperately in need of]. So she should do well in private practice, especially if touching up is required!

 

The end came at last with a promise of a barbecue at PRIME 8s place where a combination of HOBBLEs and KILLER GENEs cooking, lots of booze, the after effects of the trail and a sunny afternoon would prove that all is at peace with the world. In the meantime, various down downs were awarded, some of them requiring prodigious imagination, such was the general stupor in which the trail was followed. Recipients were:-

 

 PRIME 8 and EVER READY for the best trail this century.

 Scapegoat SEX SLAVE for spoiling the trail with too much concrete.

 KERB CRAWLER for his thesis concerning the relationship between the Coriolis effect and the direction in which dogs chase their tails.

 FULL FRONTAL for her remarkable impersonation of the Stig.

 FIREWORK for his contention that red heads smell like wet chickens (!!??).

 HOBBLE for stealing hash beer.

 YORKIE for running too fast and checking out too quickly.

 WARDROBE for a hashy birthday.

 

Journalistic honour (non-sequitor?) requires that another British failure be reported; despite heroic efforts at the BBQ by all concerned (and some unconcerned) the Hash failed to consume the remnant of the hash booze returned from Swanage. Rest assured that what remains will be in safe hands (or throats).

 

EVER READY                                                                                     PRIME 8

 

 

NH4 Run No 1613                                                                                                           18 July 2010

 

Yately Yomping

 

Another hot and humid evening saw a good turnout at Yateley Common. An unaccompanied Mette (sounds like some form of a capella musical arrangement) arrived alone having told HORN to get on his bike. Talking of transport, poor Robert was being harangued in two languages to let go his car. This top man refused point blank, just like any bloke when it comes to cars. The hares then explained their cunning new trail marking arrangements with a clarity that rivalled the logic of St Thomas Aquinas, and off we went. The well but frugally marked trail essentially went W parallel to the A30, looped N and then returned parallel to the out-trail, but there were diversions along the way to cover up the plot.

 

Within 30 seconds the pack was totally lost and confused and there were dark mutterings about Berkshire hash. NETTLES was seen to stand on what he thought was a regroup as everyone filed past at great speed. After about a minute, which is the average speed of messages along his neural pathways he finally remembered the hare’s explanation and followed on. We were getting the hang of it when EVER READY jumped over a fisherman’s pole and nearly kicked his rod(!?). Things were about to get serious when SCHOONER arrived on the scene and scared off the fisherman. Poor SCHOONER, seriously injured at both ends. When asked if it hurt, HAAGEN DASH explained that it did, but not as much as the vet’s injuries! Things, or rather lack of things must still have been sore because SCHOONER immediately jumped into the lake to cool off, closely followed by FLYING DOCTOR (what is it about those two?). The water was so dirty that divine inspiration would not have been needed to walk on it but, after shaking herself dry, FLYING DOCTOR seemed no worse for the experience. However, she was suddenly seen to be front running for at least half a mile; must have been some good stuff in that lake, probably testosterone leaking from SCHOONER. At this point NON STICK slipped into the water. He explained that it shouldn’t have happened as he knew the trail. To many this seemed like a triumph of hope over experience but the pack were too polite to comment.

 

The final leg saw a check every 50 yards, much to the relief of the more senior members and a general slowing as increasing, heat induced, lethargy set in. The end finally came and, in the absence of the RA, the PM, HEO etc after a secret ballot based on Liberal Democrat AV principles our military attaché (MOUNTAIN RESCUE ) was elected RA. He rapidly and succinctly awarded down downs to:

 

The hares, CLOGGS and NON STICK for a cerebrally challenging hash.

SYLVIER for always taking the wrong trail.

FLYING DOCTOR for her pond and FRB excesses, and

NETTLES for forgetting the trail signs.

 

At this point HORN arrived on his bicycle a feat for which he  might have got a Down_Down had we not run out of beer. Then FLYING DOCTOR produced what appeared to be a cow pat and proceeded to give everyone a piece to eat. This was a good idea as the ON_INN (The Cricketers) proved to have run out of food, though thankfully not out of beer. Cricket obviously ain't what it used to be.

 

EVER READY                                                                                                            PRIME 8

 

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1617                                                                                                           15 August 2010

Wood Street Wanderings

 

 

A rather hot, overcast and humid evening saw a good turnout for one of OLD THUMPER’s and JOLLY GREEN GIANT’s legendary runs. It was thought that arrival of flowers and presents heralded a service of thanksgiving and sacrifice to these two giants of hashing but, in the event it was only to celebrate OLD THUMPER’s (indeterminate) birthday. The general festivities were brought to an abrupt end with the arrival of CUNNINGLINGUS, another of the WALLY, Berkshire mould who proceeded to moan about the location, the map and just about everything else. This had a strange effect on BIDET who started murmuring about urine and thrushes (see BIDET for further clarification). After finally getting the circle together, in spite of FUGGLES’s continual nattering, we set off.

 

The first few minutes were total confusion as the flour took us over, through and around the village green. In fact, this continued for some time, with certain tell tale signs of exasperation on the part of the hares. Finally, all became clear and the hash settled down to an interesting run. After about a mile, CUNNINGLINGUS started up again. His encyclopaedic knowledge of the area was only matched by his continual ability to get lost and his deep understanding of the esoteric hand signals used by Berkshire. One must admire the public spirited way in which the Berkshire hash take in damaged individuals like CUNNINGLINGUS and WALLY, who must have suffered severe oxygen starvation at birth. All this continued to have an odd effect on BIDET as he mused on how the fields were soft and yielding and ideal for falling on top of and, later at the pub, his comments on the firm, ripe and plump blackberries. What was he thinking about?

 

The remainder of the hash was fairly uneventful save for one unusual feature. No matter how many times the pack overtook WHALE they found him ahead at the next bend. At first, it was thought that WHALE had gained access to a matter transporter but it was soon realised that all the warp drive, impulse drive and phaser power of the Enterprise put together would be insufficient to move such a mass. The mystery deepened further when DICKHEAD discovered a metal gate with a huge dent in it. Was this where the transporter finally gave up the ghost? In honour of his discovery DICKHEAD named the area WHALE Lane. OS maps will be updated through the usual channels.

 

The on inn turned out to have the oldest and slowest barmen in the South of England. Where they dug them up from (and I mean dug them up) is a mystery. After finally getting served the hash retired to the garden for a well earned rest. There being no members of mismanagement present, no down downs were awarded.

 

 

EVER READY                             PRIME 8 (in absentia)

 

 

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1618                                                                                                        22 August 2010

 

Hot and Sticky

 

It was a hot, humid and rain threatened evening in Rotherwick as 30 or so hashers gathered for their weekly torture. To lift the gloom, HOBBLE turned up with GEORGE, a cool blonde with deep brown affectionate eyes and winning ways, but also unfortunately with four legs. FULL FRONTAL also turned up with a friend, to whom FRUIT and NUT gave the full hash history, with the usual effect. At least she finished the run! The locals were less accommodating as they viewed FLYING DOCTOR laughing uproariously while brushing a white powder off her face and nose. Happily, the expected visit from the boys in blue didn’t materialise. She was also in deep conversation with NO ENTRY and KERB CRAWLER about slowly unwrapping a large cucumber whilst laying the trail. (No comment).

 

The off was far from successful. We immediately found the ON INN, which encouraged some people to head straight for the pub. This was followed by what seemed like a half marathon of tarmac but, finally we found trees and fields. The route was varied, but with several long straight stretches which suited the runners in the pack but challenged those of more mature years. All three hares were models of tight lipped, remote rectitude when asked for clues. Was it pure strength of character or had they simply forgotten the way? Any exhaustion was, fortunately alleviated by snatches of unusual conversations: FULL FRONTAL “a small one now and then is quite nice”; CLOGGS “I like to vary my stroke now and again” and AQUA “I like a good length and that was one”. If, dear reader you can put these quotes into context your authors would be eternally grateful. It was noted that whatever the stroke was, CLOGGS ran like a true athlete throughout the hash. Perhaps we all need some.

 

WHALE and PRIMATE missed all these conversational gems as they were boldly going where no other hound would go (since it was off-piste, or should it be piste-off?). By the time they arrived at the main entrance to Tylney Hall, the trusty GPS indicated that the route home went through the grounds there. Fearful lest they be arrested, plastered with golf balls, or just forced to scale a wall to get out, they finally emerged unscathed at the golf club entrance, to find flour! Not clear whether it was the IN- or OUT-trail but it led shortly to the ON_INN well before the FRBs returned.

 

After a long and very hot run the main pack arrived at the ON INN in time to see HOBBLE shoot GEORGE, who immediately fell to the ground and refused to move until fed and to note that the knitting circle were sitting  outside the pub coolly consuming alcohol. Down Downs were awarded to:

 

KERB CRAWLER, NETTLES and FLYING DOCTOR for a challenging and interesting run.

HOBBLE for dog sitting and hound shooting.

VELCRO for the long awaited appearance of Rafael at 0800hrs that morning, and to

CUDDLES for a hashy birthday.

 

There was also an unsaid down down for the inhabitants of Rotherwick who had let a very good pub fall into debt, with the result that it was being closed and boarded up. Sic transit Gloria Mundi, whoever she is.

 

EVER READY                                                                                                                                                                       PRIME 8

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1625                                                                                                       10 October 2010

 

Roaming Rodborough

 

A wonderful autumn day saw a lowish turnout for what proved to be a very good hash. As usual, FRUIT and NUT got hopelessly lost and was seen lifting barriers( though he failed to raise the fallen tree), reversing and passing the car park several times before finally finding the start. In parallel MARY regaled the assembled throng with horror stories of his injured knee and the operation to come and PRIME 8 walked around with a fixed grin, having escaped the stress of preparing for KILLER GENE’S birthday. The main shock of the day was that CENTRE OF ATTRACION was on time! All this was accompanied by a continuous high pitch yell from Toby that continued throughout the first half of the run as a form a homing beacon for the lost and bewildered. As NO ENTRY pointed out, the rave reviews had started early!

The first check was the kind most hashers like, 5 yds from the car park. Thereafter they became increasingly wide apart and separated by large hills. At an early check it was noticed that DICKHEAD had dark brown stains on his socks. Shiggy? No, instead a somewhat rapid ablution before he left home that morning. The run was proceeding smoothly when suddenly, for no apparent reason GOLDEN BALLS started muttering about the tail and set off on his own. This caused consternation and about 5 minutes confusion as the hash scattered in all directions. Thankfully, KERB CRAWLER got us back on track. GOLDEN BALLS was not seen again, other than emerging from the woods to stand on corners with a strangely disturbed look on his face. More trouble was to come. The hare informed us to be careful as there were fox holes ahead. FRUIT and NUT immediately wanted to return to the start to load up with grenades and flame throwers. A quick dose of his medication and all was well again. Medication again came to mind when word came back that someone had squashed OLD THUMPER’S blobs. Expecting to see the mangled remains of the local flasher we were relieved to find it was only her flour that had been interfered with. It was about this time also that two unknown women started to track us and follow us back to the on in. Hash men really are irresistible!!

The pack then sneaked off to the garden of the ON_INN where there were seats, and eats available. It came as a shock to interrupt these pleasures to procedd to next business ie Down-Downs. However, after some discussion of OLD THUMPER’S spanking laces (!) these were awarded to:

OLD THUMPER and JGG for a great trail.

LUCY and friend for being late after mixing up the post code with the map reference.

MARY and CAROLINE who, as the walking party had to be told the way by TOBY.

And for TOBY, the hash navigator.

 

EVER READY                                                                                                                                                                       PRIME 8

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1626                                                                                                       17 October 2010

 

Holybourne Harassment

 

Today was probably the best hashing day for months with a clear blue sky and cool weather. With a good turnout all looked good. Before the off EVER READY had the unfortunate experience of realising he had forgotten to put on his shorts and so had to run in jog bottoms. The appearance of a policewoman was thought to have something to do with his lack of cover until it became clear that the yellow jacketed cyclist was, in fact FLYING DOCTOR, in Chris Hoye mode. Today was also the day that VELCRO junior discovered that dogs have tails. Unfortunately, the dog involved was Schooner. Luckily several people pounced just in time before small boy became an even smaller breakfast for large dog.

 

The off was uneventful, other than waking the good people of Holybourne from their Saturday night stupors. The trail then became one very long hill. Half way up we were passed by a tractor with an unfriendly looking driver who immedialty got onto his mobile phone. Within minutes were stopped by a land rover driven by an irate local gamekeeper. I was expecting him to get out his shotgun but, instead he blasted SILVIA with some home truths about game rearing. Even the collective charms of the hash ladies made no difference and we were obliged to make a great deal of use of the local roads.

 

On and on we plodded until it felt as though we had entered a half marathon. Very little of note occurred except, coming upon NO ENTRY who was very slow today we noticed that he had a snail trail behind him. There’s slow and slow! In fact, the trail was caused by Toby who was suffering from a very runny nose.

 

The on in was again uneventful, although littered by the corpses of hashers unused to running 6 miles.

 

No down down reports today I’m afraid because your roving reporter was obliged to get home quickly to tend to a family matter.

 

 

EVER READY                                                      PRIME 8 (in absentia)

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1629                                                                                                    7 November 2010

 

Bonfire Bash

 

 

This year’s firework run started at 4pm (1600 for military or railway men persons), the object being to finish the run by day, but allow fireworks and bonfire to be appreciated by night. This requires fine judgement, but almost succeeded in that only the slower hashers (including your correspondent) were caught in the dark. It succeeded totally in that no-one (including your correspondent!) got lost.

 

Leaving the venue by the left, the trail then crossed the road and turned into open fields, looping back to roads again, past a church onto a path through some houses. It emerged onto another road where we turned right for a while, crossed into a cul-de-sac which led into another footpath into a little copse. After that, yours truly stuck to FIREWORK so as not to get too far behind. We followed roads past Windlesham recreation ground and then back to base, in time for the start of serious business.

 

The celebrations were hosted by ARSE OVER DOG and LITTLE CHOPPER, who had built the usual enormous bonfire, which kept us warm whilst we admired the  communal fireworks and/or tucked in to the excellent nosh.

 

Down downs were an extended affair, starting with presentations by RAM (from Worthy Winchester, aka 10GB) to the NH4 team who came third in the Clarendon Hash relay marathon: OLD THUMPER, DICKHEAD, SILVERY FOX + HANGING ABOUT. Medals and treasure laden goodie bags were in evidence.

 

Further down downs were presented by JGG to:-

 

FIREWORK (appropriately) and HOBBLE for an interesting run

PETAL, MOUNTAIN RESCUE and PRIMATE for undue regard for elf and safeT by wearing high visibility kit. MR’s protest that his kit was genuine hash stuff was cavalierly disregarded.

SPY WITH NO NAME for suggesting that his Mum, LEGOVER, could not get through a kissing-gate.

ARSE OVER DOG and ‘ER INDOORS (standing in for LITTLE CHOPPER) for hosting the party. PRIMATE was invited to join for observing that LITTLE CHOPPER might have had difficulty at the kissing-gate. This observation was unfairly thought to refer to ‘ER INDOORS!

 

Visitors RAM, POLLY and HOUDINI

 

 ON-ON

 

EVER READY (in absentia, pronounced Lester)                                           PRIME 8

 

 

 

NH4 Run No 1630                                                                                                    14 November 2010

 

Where the **** is Alice (Holt)?

 

It was dry when we left home, but by the time we reached the Alice Holt venue a steady drizzle had set in, and there was no sign of ALICE. This was attributed to the absence of shops and/or the presence of rain. But there was a good turnout none the less, including COMMERCIAL WHALE, on this Remembrance Sunday. The respectful 2 minute silence was broken only by Schooner; no Last Post this time in the absence of HORN.

 

The FRBs then set off at such a pace that your correspondent was soon left behind. After a prodigious leap over a ditch, with an assist from YORKIE, (who then sped off to retake the lead) he joined the knitting circle, ably led by Caroline, who had been given secret instructions.  These proved OK, but it was difficult to tell which junction we had reached from the map and terrain. Consequently we lost flour about half way round the trail.

 

At this point a GPS bearing towards the car park, provided by (name with-held for security reasons), led through some thickets, which Toby found uncomfortable owing to his height. However it did eventually show the way home after some pioneering work by ‘ER INDOORS (outdoors). So we arrived rather late at the ON INN (=car park) only to find that the FRBs were still out. What had they been up to?

 

Down downs were presented by NO ENTRY to

Hares YORKIE and KERB CRAWLER for an interesting trail.

HAAGEN DASH for a memory lapse (actually a double memory lapse , as the scribe’s forgotten the details)

HOBBLE celebrating a number plate including NOB

LITTLE(?) HANGING ABOUT : a lower order Primate (scribe: Watch it)

NETTLES, no reason, just picked on again

After a rousing Hashy birthday for LITTLE PRICK, with excellent cake, the pack descended on the Jolly Farmer at Blacknest for revival rituals.

 

 

EVER READY (in absentia)                                                            PRIME 8

 

 

 

R